You should give up all hope of becoming a comedian or a logician. You have no sense of humor of logic. Your “logic” doesn’t match existing social norms. Logic rarely does.
Being Jewish is not “just” a religion. It’s being a member of a community. What’s interesting is that if Jew adopts Buddhist practices, ie: Leonard Cohen, they are still considered to be Jewish. Not sure why but it is what it is.
Conversely antisemites like yourself often still consider converts to other religions to be Jews, probably because they think Jews are are race. Whatever.
en.wikipedia ORG/wiki/Jewish_atheism