I assume you, the academic, attributes the creation of the universe to the Big Bang event? Which is a theory of singularity that existed 14 billion years ago. So existence didn’t always exist – at least not 14 billion years ago. Existence started as one singular point.
The question I ask is very basic and you cannot answer it without admitting there is a creator.
There’s a reason you’re so conflicted because you’re entirely detached from nature. You exist in a concrete jungle and your values revolve around material items.